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Our family sat down and just watched Ray Comfort’s new movie, Exit. I almost always like his projects, and first encountered his book, Hell’s Best Kept Secret, when I was maybe 20 or 21 years old and it was such an eye opener for me. It really helped clarify some really simple things about the 10 commandments and the message of Jesus and His teachings. I read it multiple times, and later watched his movie series by the same name, which my husband and I bought when it first came out our first year of marriage. Here’s the link to the video series of Hell’s Best Kept Secret.
But a theme really stuck out to me that laid underneath the main topic of Suicide. That underlying theme was Fear. It was spoken of in the film, and pointed out. But it remained with me and I could hear it echoing in me even until now. So I wanted to write out a little about what I’ve been dealing with for a little while.
Last year we decided to make the long drive halfway across the United States to see some family. Right before we left in October God woke me up from a much needed nap to tell me that Psalm 91 was really important for me and my family. And He wanted me to read it aloud right then. I almost didn’t get out of bed, except He said, “What if your whole families safety depends on it?” That convinced me. Later that night I found an email newsletter advertising a prayer campaign for the whole next month to pray and speak Psalm 91 for 30 days. Then after that month I received a calendar I never ordered for the year of 2017 in the theme of Psalm 91. And I knew this was something God wanted me to really really meditate on deeply for the whole year. So my children and I have really dug in deep to it because I’ve made it part of our morning scripture copy, drawing for comprehension and even a Hebrew word study that we are still working on. And I’m so thankful that God woke me up, and so so thankful I chose to walk with Him through it. He’s Wonderful, and Such a Good Father.
So many times on our long trip we had close calls with deer. There were so many dead deer all along the highway, their carcasses ominous signs of those who had braved the road before us and had not been so lucky. I read Psalm 91 aloud multiple times everyday, and God really and truly kept us safe during the whole trip, though I did find it hard to relax.
I was a bit surprised that I hadn’t realized I had such a huge issue with fear. One of the problems with fear is that it is a spirit. I think a lot of people don’t realize this. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
In the movie Exit they talk about depression and fear and how they are linked together. And they highlighted how no one knows where they come from, or can explain them. The doctors and experts mostly just medicate everyone with anti depressants which I noticed also have quite a few side effects that they pretty clearly state even in the commercials now. The most notable side effect was an increase in suicidal thoughts.
Depression may be a chemical imbalance, but it is also caused by a spiritual force. And therefore should be treated with a greater spiritual force. God’s Word is Spirit, and it is Life. 2 Corinthians 10:4 “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;”
I believe that’s why God woke me up last year from my much needed nap to give me directions that would lead me to focus on Psalm 91.
There had been a spirit of fear that stood outside the door of my house downstairs. This will sound strange maybe, but some of us have a sense that is sometimes seeing, or hearing or even smelling in the spirit. Well, this spirit was always at the door at night. It took the form of a zombie or a dark shadowy thing that waited outside. It always waited. At one point I did sense that it had gotten into my house when I watched some video online that I thought was a historical sleep study on the effects of sleep deprivation. It was a true story that was made into a slideshow with scary pictures and haunting music. That caused about 2 weeks of sleep deprivation for me because when I did get over the irrational fears of something being under the bed, the baby would wake up mysteriously screaming for no reason, which would start up the irrational fear of the dark, and shadowy places. Finally it eased up as I made sure to play my guitar and sing every single night before bed, and declare God’s Word over my house, family, self, and city, state, leaders, everything I could think of.
This zombie spirit of fear lurks still outside my house sometimes. But for months it has been gone. I recently realized that now when I go to the door each night to check the locks before bed, it hasn’t been there.
I’ll tell you a little clearer what it is. It’s a fear of impending doom. A fear of the future, and what could be waiting for me and my family right around the corner. It’s a fear of disaster and destruction that waits, not fully present, but waiting for the right time to burst into our peaceful home. It steals your present joy, because of it’s presence, and it tries to speak to you of the plans it has for you.
I didn’t realize how long I had put up with it. Sometimes I would be out walking my dog at night and this fear would come upon me and it was so crippling, I would freeze and have to start singing loud praises to Jesus and tell of how He was there with me. I would make up a song on the spot, and the spirits of fear would leave and I could laugh again.
Before we started studying and speaking out psalm 91 on a daily basis, sometimes at night I would cry myself to sleep if I even could sleep, thinking of the world that my children were going to have to face, and so afraid of my child rearing skills. I was sure I was going to ruin them, or already had. How could I even protect them from everything. And if I did protect them from everything, that would probably be their downfall. We were all doomed no matter how I tossed the dice on those dark nights of the soul.
I’m so so thankful that God woke me out of that much needed nap. Now I remember why it was so “much needed” . Because that’s where I was before He directed me to Psalm 91. His prescription was a year of the medicine of the Word of God. Which I’m reminded that I need to finish well. And if I see that spirit of fear return, I need to go out to meet it and drive it off. I think the next question I feel is, “How far will you drive that spirit of fear? Just to the neighbors? Off your street? Out of your town, Out of your state? Out of your country?” I don’t know,” but with God, all things are possible.”